*This is the first installment of a series of articles that will focus on life’s hardships and the wisdom Deb Braunig has gained as she’s navigated through what sometimes does not make sense.
By Deb Braunig
Suffocating fear . . . paralyzing judgementalism . . . harsh betrayal . . . crushing despair . . . lonely isolation. My personal pain and desperation for fresh hope to penetrate my failing spirit is prodding me to push past my circumstances and reach for the warmth and light that might emerge by exploring a new playground. Writing seems to be the safest form of communication I can use to inch my way out of a recent journey through a dark abyss of life.
It may not be as safe as it seems; but, it’s time for me to quit hiding behind fears of judgement and failure. It’s time to expose my personal darkness to the light of vulnerability. It’s time to shed isolation and risk being misunderstood.
For nearly forty years, I’ve shared a daily cup of coffee with God. Admittedly and ashamedly; however, for most of those years, I’ve done all the talking. Even more problematic, the one-sided conversations focused on what I wanted God to do for me so I could accomplish what I believed life should look like.
Even worse, after a painful time of reflection, I’ve concluded that for most of my adult life, my early morning devotional times with God were more religiously noble than intimately relational.
My religious routines produced little peace and virtually no joy. My life was a crumpled heap of shattered hopes and broken dreams. My lifelong faith was spiraling into frustrated disillusionment. I remember the afternoon I fell on my knees, slammed my Bible on the sofa, and screamed at God.
If any of what He promised in His Word about peace, joy, contentment, and faith that leads to hope that life is worth living was true, He needed to prove it to me . . . or I was done. That was a defining moment. It was the beginning of an adventure with God that has transformed me, revolutionized my understanding of Him, and a resurrected a reckless faith in Him that has kept me grounded during the last eighteen months of the darkest time in my life.
I recognize a lot of pain, darkness, and desperation all around me. So, I’m making my journal public. Each entry will expose a private pain or struggle. Shadowed details will obscure identities. We share threads of darkness crisscrossing our lives. Each entry will be an effort to extend tender mercies into your life in case you need a gentle reminder that you are valued. Life is worth living. For this moment . . . breathe deeply. . . hope is in the air.
