*Editor’s Note: Fred Kroner first covered Brandon Divan’s story on May 20, 2012. That article can be found here.
By FRED KRONER
A horrific act.
An unimaginable loss.
A half-brother in name only.
A pre-teen mind to navigate an experience which cannot adequately be put into words.
Oakwood High School graduate Brandon Divan can – unfortunately – put checks in all of the categories.
Divan’s young life became a nightmare on Sept. 25, 2005 when his father brutally killed his 34-year-old mother, Kimberly. He was convicted of shooting her 15 times.
Brandon Divan was 11 years old and in fifth grade.
He was not at home on the Sunday afternoon the murder took place at the family’s home in Newtown. He and his two sisters were visiting their maternal grandparents, Kathy and Kenny Divan, a short ways away.
**
The events of 2005 are still prominent in his mind more than 16 years later. It is an ongoing story, one which will never have a happy ending.
There actually is no ending, Divan has discovered, to the pain that is present on a daily basis. He has learned to cope, thanks to the help of his half-brother, Justin Jones, who was the best man at his wedding.
And the memory of his mother – which remains present every day – will be even more alive in the future. Divan and his wife, Karley, named their first-born daughter Sunny Jo. She was born on Thursday (Dec. 16).
The name is a loving tribute to his mother’s memory. In recent months, Divan has been continuing a tradition started by his mother.
“Since Karley has gotten pregnant, I sing the same song to our unborn baby that my mom sang to me (You Are My Sunshine),” he said. “Things like that I carry forward with me; parts of her I love and I miss so badly.
“Sunny is to honor my mom since she called us kids her sunshine and sang the song. It’s also fitting for our love of the outdoors, running and hiking.”
**
Over the years, Divan’s perspective on grief has changed. Originally, as he thought about his mother, there was a line he would not cross.
“I would only let myself think about her until the point where I would feel sad, angry or lonely,” Divan said. “Grief can be a very lonely journey and can cause a lot of different emotions at different times.”
One constant in his life has been the desire to run, not just for conditioning, but also as a release and a time to contemplate.
“I was on a run this summer and was thinking about how I have thought about grief and how I have been taught to think about grief,” Divan said. “I have heard many times that when people with good intentions try to talk with me about grief, a common analogy is the ‘light at the end of the tunnel.’
“The conclusion I came to on that run was that grief is very far from being placed in a long dark tunnel alone.”
The phrasing, ‘the end of the tunnel,’ is what Divan has come to recognize does not exist.
“The analogy implies that grief will have some sort of end,” Divan continued. “You will trudge down the tunnel until finally you exit and you see light you were unable to see before.
“It implies that you will suddenly be free of the pain of loss and you can leave the tunnel behind forever. The analogy also suggests that you will remain in darkness until the end is reached and that you will be alone.
“There is a difference between being alone and being lonely.”
Divan uses a running analogy to pinpoint what the process is like for him.
“I think that grief is much more like running a mountain trail,” he said. “Once the grief begins, you are thrust unwillingly onto the trail.
“The trail is indefinite. The trail is unknown. You do not know the conditions. You do not know the surface. The path ahead is unique to you and you have to begin moving forward.
“This trail will be lonely and it will be difficult. That is the reality. You must move forward and cover the distance.”
Divan has come to recognize that it does not need to be a solo journey.
“Though your experience on the trail will be yours alone, you do not have to travel it alone,” Divan said. “If you allow them to, you can bring people along with you for sections of the trail.
“They can make the difficult sections more bearable and the beautiful sections more enjoyable. They can bear the unforeseen storms alongside you and join you on the peaks. And, unlike being entrapped in a tunnel, a grieving person can and should still see beauty, pain, and monotony alike.
“A grieving person will experience the darkness of the trail and can rise above the trees and feel the warmth of the sun. Some times are easier and others feel impossible. Just keep moving forward and do not forget to bring those with you who want to help you.”
**
Divan understands the need to accept – and not to deny – things that are out of his control.
“Wherever I go, I bring the memory of my sweet mom with me,” he said. “Unlike the 17-year-old, I now allow myself to feel sad about missed holidays, birthdays and important events.
“I want more than anything that she was with me and I could hear her reaction to me making her a grandma. It is good for me to miss her and I look forward to sharing with my daughter about what a wonderful woman she was and about how much she loved me.”
While his feelings about his mother have not changed, his approach has taken a turn.
“I recently read a person say that grief is simply ‘unexpressed love’ and I think it is a beautiful way to describe it,” Divan said. “I wish I could express this deep love I have to my mom.
“Instead, I must express and dedicate this deep love I have for her instead. She is unable to receive my love for her, but I can and will continue to express it for her.”
Divan receives reinforcement about his beliefs.
“When my grandparents – my mom’s parents, who raised me after her loss – tell me how much they love and are proud of me, it is also as if my mom is saying it, too,” Divan said.
“I am my mom’s son and I know she loved me and was proud of me. I want to be a man, husband, and father that she knew I could be; one that will honor her memory and her love.”
While his grandparents – who legally adopted Brandon and his two sisters – were instrumental in his upbringing, it was his half-brother who has helped him navigate life.
**
In September, 2005, Divan and Jones shared a biological father, but little else.
“Prior to losing my mom, Justin and I had no relationship at all,” Divan said. “Our dad signed the legal rights away to him when I was about 4 years old and we had no contact until he reached out after everything happened.
“We have been best friends since.”
Not only was Divan the best man at Jones’ wedding, but when Brandon and Karley were married, Jones stood beside Divan.
“Justin Jones is one of the single most important people in my life,” Divan said. “Since reestablishing our relationship, I have essentially followed his example – copied may be closer to the truth – in many major life decisions.
“Justin graduated from Oakwood and went to Olivet Nazarene University to study exercise science and run cross-country and track. I did the same four years later.
“Justin got married and he asked me to be his best man. I asked him to be my best man four years later. He went to Governors State University to study physical therapy. I went to GSU to study physical therapy.”
They share another almost eerie connection.
Divan’s daughter was born one day after Jones’ birthday. And Jones’ daughter – who recently turned 5 – was born two days after Divan’s birthday.
Each day, Divan and Jones communicate in some manner.
“He has a terrible habit of calling me right before we start eating dinner and staying on the phone until the food is very cold,” Divan said. “I would not trade that for anything. Now being dads together will make those phone calls even longer. I am fine with that.
“He is one of the best men I know. It also helps that we happen to be interested in almost all the same things, have similar senses of humor, closely resembling values, and now over a decade of friendship.”
**
Divan responded to one letter from his father, to tell him “what I thought,” but otherwise has not been in touch.
“My dad and I have not had any contact,” Divan said. “I have considered it many times. I do not know how that will play out in the future.
“Perhaps someday that could be an option, but at this time it has not commenced.”
Divan, however, has taken one important step on the path to healing.
“I have forgiven my dad for what he did,” he said. “Full stop. The question I ask myself so often is: Does forgiveness lose power if the forgiven person does not know about it?
“I still do not know the answer to that question. I do know that Jesus’ forgiveness for me and in my life may not be as powerful or as significant in my life if I did not have explicit knowledge about it.
“I think it is important that when you hurt someone in your life that you forgive them and tell them. Mostly we are talking about more day-to-day examples such as your relative making fun of a political stance or criticizing a decision.
“I have never had to forgive someone for such a destructive action. I am still learning how to do it and I am continuing to pray for guidance on how to best forgive.”
**
Starting over is a term sometimes used for people who have endured a tragedy. For Divan, a more appropriate term would be getting a fresh start.
He did that with his college choice when he selected Olivet Nazarene University, in Bourbonnais. He has never had any regrets.
“Picking Olivet was an initial catalyst for so many things that changed my life,” Divan said. “I have said to Karley before that Oakwood raised me, and Olivet shaped me.
“I remember as a freshman on the cross-country team at ONU (in the fall of 2012), a senior leader spoke at a team meeting in my first week there. He spoke about how being a part of the team at ONU was so much more running together.
“He told us younger athletes who had just stepped into the door about how the people in the room would one day be so important to us that they might be standing next to us at our weddings or holding our kids.”
For Divan, the words were prophetic. He had not yet met his future wife. The former Karley Brown didn’t arrive on campus until the fall of 2013.
Divan said after hearing the words of the senior cross-country runner, “one short year later I would meet the girl who I would look across from and hold hands with on our wedding day.
“The bridal party that stood next to Karley and I at our wedding was half made up of people we had met in college. Some of our closest friends that we went to school with still live here, too. They were at our home this weekend (after Thanksgiving) and I held my friend’s 4-month-old daughter until she fell asleep.
“Growing up in Oakwood galvanized me and helped me to grow up quickly and establish my base values as a person. Olivet and that next phase of life helped me to learn what mattered to me most, challenge myself in new ways, and to further evolve from the young man who left Oakwood for college in his 1989 Pontiac Grand Prix.”
**
Both Divan and his wife graduated from Olivet and then pursued advanced degrees.
Brandon went to Governors State University to get a Doctorate of Physical Therapy. Karley went to Grace College and got a master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling.
Brandon Divan worked as an assistant cross-country coach at Govenors State and also as a resident director at Olivet.
After completing graduate school, the couple got jobs in Bourbonnais.
Brandon continued to work as a resident director while getting a full-time job at a private practice physical therapy clinic.
“The physical therapy practice (River Valley Physical Therapy) trusted me with trying to grow a new clinical location south of Kankakee in a town that is a lot like Oakwood,” Brandon Divan said. “I am serving as a physical therapist for an orthopedic outpatient, sport and spine clinic.
“I work with people of every age, dealing with problems with any joint. I love working with athletes the most. Unsurprisingly, I like rehabbing with runners.
“I got into the medical field because I felt a strong passion for helping people. If I can play a small role in a redemptive work, then that is what I am passionate about.”
Karley Divan works as a Mental Health Clinician at ONU nearly full-time and at a private practice when the students are on break.
Brandon Divan is no longer a competitive runner, but was able to get the Illinois Marathon checked off his Bucket List before he retired.
“The last few years, Karley and I have ignited and cultivated a passion for traveling, hiking, and camping,” Brandon Divan said. “Last year we went to 11 National Parks together.”
They are active at church, helping to teach a Sunday School class and Brandon coaches the church softball team.
“I am still a Christian, hoping to serve God in any way I am allowed to,” he said.
Though he originally had ambitions of becoming a physician, Brandon Divan finds joy and satisfaction in his chosen profession.
“I wanted to go to medical school and be a doctor to work with athletes,” he said. “As I learned more about the medical field, I decided at the time that medical school was going to be a longer time commitment than I preferred.
“I learned about Physical Therapy and focused on achieving that goal.”
Before moving away from Oakwood, Divan said, “I had barely left the geographic area and never expected myself to live anywhere else.
“I loved and love my hometown and some of the most generous people I know are there. Life seems to help make decisions for you sometimes.”
