By Isabella Zarate
It’s every parent’s worst nightmare, losing a child.
It’s certainly not what Carrie and Ben Hay expected when they gave birth to Luella on April 4, 2017. According to Carrie, Luella was a “super happy, healthy, active little girl.” But on September 11, 2018, the Hay’s were faced with the grief of losing their daughter.
“It’s kind of indescribable what you can go through,” Carrie said. “Heartbreaking, devastating, earth-shattering.”
Luella’s passing was unexpected. On September 9 she fell ill and was taken to the ER. The Hays were told it was croup; however, following Luella’s passing they discovered she had actually contracted an aggressive form of bacterial pneumonia.
Immediately after Luella’s passing, the couple found themselves scrambling for resources and ways to cope with grief and the loss of a child. The pair soon realized that no one within their close circle had experienced something like this, leading them to feel isolated, but also confused.
“For us, it felt like we were the only ones experiencing this,” Carrie shared.
A few weeks later, the couple was visiting Ben’s parents when a family friend mentioned how they were throwing a fundraiser for another family who had recently lost a child.
Carrie and Ben then met with that couple just to sit down and share their experiences.“That was the first time we felt like somebody understood what we were going through,” Carrie explained. “We connected with them.”
The couple recommended Carrie and Ben to Faith’s Lodge, which is a bereaved parent retreat center. In November of 2018, the Hay’s decided to make the nearly ten-hour trip up to Danbury, Wisconsin to spend some time at the lodge. Their experience was life-changing.
One of the biggest things the Hay’s took away from their time at the lodge is the relationships they were able to establish. “It was a really great experience for us overall,” Carrie said. “ I feel like that connection with other bereaved parents was huge – just feeling understood.”
Leaving the retreat, “Immediately our wheels started turning.” Their time at Faith’s Lodge in Minnesota had motivated the couple to help others like them.
At the time, the Hay’s lived in a peaceful cabin by the lake, and they both agreed that this would be a perfect serene location for the lodge. By February 2021 the family had moved out of their home and began transforming it into Luella’s Lodge. Ben had some experience in construction, so he spearheaded the remodel.
In the meantime, Carrie began a bereaved moms group online. Due to COVID, in-person meetings seemed unattainable at that time. “It was great,” Carrie said. “It gave a space for us to meet and gather when we normally wouldn’t have been able to.”
Later, in October 2021, the lodge hosted its first in-person guests. A group of bereaved moms traveled to Luella’s Lodge for a retreat weekend. The moms participated in a variety of activities, including art projects and guided meditation; however, much of the weekend consisted of sharing stories and talking through emotions. “It was a really good experience,” Carrie shared.
Not long after, Ben hosted a bereaved dad’s weekend. “The guys communicate a little bit different than the girls,” Ben teased. Thus, rather than engaging in art projects and meditation, the dads did some fishing, went on a kayak trip, and gathered around a bonfire.
“We found there are no answers and there’s no cure,” Ben said. “There’s no getting over what you experience when you lose a child.” He went on, “we just found that [being with] other parents that have been through it and being in nature. . . can help.”
The couple noted how retreats for bereaved parents are few and far between. Though, they believe it is something that should be more accessible. “We felt it as our duty to make it available for more parents,” Ben claimed.
Luella’s Lodge offers moms’ weekends, dads’ weekends, and couples’ weekends alongside monthly support meetings for bereaved parents. The lodge is also open to rent out entirely for support groups or family events.
For non-bereaved parents, the lodge can be rented at a different price. However, the Hay’s main goal for the lodge is to help families grieve.
On May 21, 2022The couple will be hosting an open house where you can enjoy live music, food, lodge tours, kayaking, and hiking.
For more information and to book your retreat visit the Luella’s Lodge website https://www.luellaslodge.org
